He even considers the request, though it hurts like he's being punched in the gut. But nothing about this sits right with him. It's being charged for a crime he has no recollection of ever committing. ]
[ it brings him up short. he'd known that people arrive here from different places, from different times, but he would not have considered that booker could not know. ]
Early summer, 2020. [ He has an unpunched ticket for a book collection he'd been about to look into. It's still sitting in his room, the one thing he had in his pocket when he suddenly arrived here. ]
Andy wanted a break, so — [ She was the boss. What she put forward to the team, that's how it went. ] — we were all on a break.
For one thing, they've dealt with him in the past so it's not a name unheard of in their group. For another, Nicky is clearly from some time after him where Copley becomes more than just another inquiry. ]
We've made no deals. [ There's a deal? ] He's reached out to me but I haven't responded yet.
[ booker has fooled him before, has fooled all of them- but there's something in his tone that has nicky press fingers to the bridge of his nose for a long moment, eyes closed, before the answer comes, dragged out from him. ]
You gave us up. In the hopes of finding a cure to your immortality, you gave us up. Joe and I were captured. Tortured. [ all this, including the last, delivered with flat calm. it's only in the end that something in his voice catches, ] Andy's lost her immortality.
[ Something in his stomach roils and sinks at the image of Joe and Nicky being tortured, especially if it was by his own hand.
And yet, selfishly and shamefully, Booker also can't help but wonder whether they did manage to find a cure for their immortality in the end, too. It's not a question he'll ask though. Not now, not to Nicky, maybe not ever.
There's something else that snags his attention, even when the accusation 'you betrayed us' hangs in the air. Maybe it doesn't surprise him; maybe he just doesn't want to consider the possibility that he really could do such a thing. Is that what Copley was trying to speak with him about? Betraying his family? ]
Andy lost her immortality? How?
[ She's lived for so, so long and he's always felt a special bond with her for their mutual exhaustion of ... well, living. ]
[ Truth be told, he hasn't had a chance to do his research on Merrick either, but he knows the name of the company, has heard it before in passing, in newspaper articles and in parallel with some of the other missions they'd taken in the past.
On this he keeps his thoughts to himself, knowing that whatever he winds up doing in the near future, maybe even only a couple of months time, has shaken his family.
Torture, Nicky mentioned. Merde. No, Booker doesn't want to hear the details, doesn't think it would benefit either of them anyway if it'd already happened. He is too much of a coward to hear what he'd done, and it would force Nicky to talk about it, too, which seems cruel enough.
Better to speak of other things. ]
Andy's immortality here. Is it also gone?
[ When he'd seen her, she didn't give off the impression that anything was out of the ordinary, anything was different. But then ... maybe that had to do with him and what he'd done too. ]
It is. [ and nicky hates it, but —if it's her time, it is her time. none of them know how long they have, not really. if he were to go tomorrow, he is glad that he got to see this, that he got to experience the empathy bond with joe.
it is a good reminder. it keeps some of the pain at bay. ]
[ Booker finds that he hates it too, but he's more selfish than Nicky. Always had been. It hits like a gut-punch to say the words aloud, and to think of the consequences. Harder still to accept that it might be her time.
Andy had been there for all of his life after his first death; he can't even imagine an existence without her in it. ]
To prolong her life? Or keep her in a type of time stasis?
Nicky — whatever I have done to you and the others, I haven't done yet. [ He thinks to say, 'Please don't leave me alone' but instead, he pauses.
And then: ] But if you would rather not see me, I understand that too.
[ It hurts something hollow within him to say those words, thinking of their more-than-a-year apart and how much he'd been wanting to see the family again.
But perhaps he is a danger to them. In any case, apparently he will be. What did Copley have to offer him? Why would he take that deal? ]
[ nicky takes a breath, shallow, and then another one, more deliberate, slower. ]
No, you have not done it yet. But it has happened for us and —we will need time. Joe and I.
[ he doesn't doubt that there is forgiveness to be found. joe has the biggest heart of anyone nicky knows, joe has found it in him to forgive nicky, and nicky —nicky knows about doing terrible things that can be explained but not excused. there is forgiveness to be found, but not while it is so fresh for them, so recent. ]
I — [ It seems strange to apologize for something he hasn't even done, something he can't conceive of doing — and yet being afraid that there must be something that could convince him to do just that. (Because he has, hasn't he? In Nicky's present, he has.)
Booker isn't stupid. And he isn't impervious to giving in to his temptations; he is a man, after all, and not always a particularly strong-willed one either.
So he nods instead, takes a step back. ] Of course.
[ for a long moment, there is nothing, before nicky nods to himself and manages to acknowledge that for this booker, who has not yet betrayed them, that is a concession. a kindness toward them. ]
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He even considers the request, though it hurts like he's being punched in the gut. But nothing about this sits right with him. It's being charged for a crime he has no recollection of ever committing. ]
Just one thing, if I may —
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What happened? To me? To us?
[ It's not quite graceful, but inferences are one thing. The truth from Nicky, who would never sugar-coat anything, is another. ]
I know I must have done something, but what?
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You don't remember?
[ no, that's not quite the right question. ]
What year was it for you before you came here?
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Andy wanted a break, so — [ She was the boss. What she put forward to the team, that's how it went. ] — we were all on a break.
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[ Well, that's a stupid question.
For one thing, they've dealt with him in the past so it's not a name unheard of in their group. For another, Nicky is clearly from some time after him where Copley becomes more than just another inquiry. ]
We've made no deals. [ There's a deal? ] He's reached out to me but I haven't responded yet.
Nicky. [ More insistently now. ] What did I do?
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You gave us up. In the hopes of finding a cure to your immortality, you gave us up. Joe and I were captured. Tortured. [ all this, including the last, delivered with flat calm. it's only in the end that something in his voice catches, ] Andy's lost her immortality.
You betrayed us.
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And yet, selfishly and shamefully, Booker also can't help but wonder whether they did manage to find a cure for their immortality in the end, too. It's not a question he'll ask though. Not now, not to Nicky, maybe not ever.
There's something else that snags his attention, even when the accusation 'you betrayed us' hangs in the air. Maybe it doesn't surprise him; maybe he just doesn't want to consider the possibility that he really could do such a thing. Is that what Copley was trying to speak with him about? Betraying his family? ]
Andy lost her immortality? How?
[ She's lived for so, so long and he's always felt a special bond with her for their mutual exhaustion of ... well, living. ]
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[ nicky lets out a breath, slow, controlled. ]
Perhaps it is simply her time. And before you ask, it happened before Merrick did anything.
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On this he keeps his thoughts to himself, knowing that whatever he winds up doing in the near future, maybe even only a couple of months time, has shaken his family.
Torture, Nicky mentioned. Merde. No, Booker doesn't want to hear the details, doesn't think it would benefit either of them anyway if it'd already happened. He is too much of a coward to hear what he'd done, and it would force Nicky to talk about it, too, which seems cruel enough.
Better to speak of other things. ]
Andy's immortality here. Is it also gone?
[ When he'd seen her, she didn't give off the impression that anything was out of the ordinary, anything was different. But then ... maybe that had to do with him and what he'd done too. ]
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it is a good reminder. it keeps some of the pain at bay. ]
Perhaps the nanites make up for it. To a degree.
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Andy had been there for all of his life after his first death; he can't even imagine an existence without her in it. ]
To prolong her life? Or keep her in a type of time stasis?
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[ because nicky has no doubt that andy will continue being, well, andy. ]
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Did she have many of them? Injuries.
[ He doesn't remember seeing her hurt when they ran into each other. ]
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[ but - ]
It's Andy. [ what are the odds of her lying low and not getting herself hurt? ]
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Oui. It's Andy.
[ He breathes out now. ]
Nicky — whatever I have done to you and the others, I haven't done yet. [ He thinks to say, 'Please don't leave me alone' but instead, he pauses.
And then: ] But if you would rather not see me, I understand that too.
[ It hurts something hollow within him to say those words, thinking of their more-than-a-year apart and how much he'd been wanting to see the family again.
But perhaps he is a danger to them. In any case, apparently he will be. What did Copley have to offer him? Why would he take that deal? ]
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No, you have not done it yet. But it has happened for us and —we will need time. Joe and I.
[ he doesn't doubt that there is forgiveness to be found. joe has the biggest heart of anyone nicky knows, joe has found it in him to forgive nicky, and nicky —nicky knows about doing terrible things that can be explained but not excused. there is forgiveness to be found, but not while it is so fresh for them, so recent. ]
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Booker isn't stupid. And he isn't impervious to giving in to his temptations; he is a man, after all, and not always a particularly strong-willed one either.
So he nods instead, takes a step back. ] Of course.
You know where to find me if you need me.
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Thank you.