[ Truth be told, he hasn't had a chance to do his research on Merrick either, but he knows the name of the company, has heard it before in passing, in newspaper articles and in parallel with some of the other missions they'd taken in the past.
On this he keeps his thoughts to himself, knowing that whatever he winds up doing in the near future, maybe even only a couple of months time, has shaken his family.
Torture, Nicky mentioned. Merde. No, Booker doesn't want to hear the details, doesn't think it would benefit either of them anyway if it'd already happened. He is too much of a coward to hear what he'd done, and it would force Nicky to talk about it, too, which seems cruel enough.
Better to speak of other things. ]
Andy's immortality here. Is it also gone?
[ When he'd seen her, she didn't give off the impression that anything was out of the ordinary, anything was different. But then ... maybe that had to do with him and what he'd done too. ]
It is. [ and nicky hates it, but —if it's her time, it is her time. none of them know how long they have, not really. if he were to go tomorrow, he is glad that he got to see this, that he got to experience the empathy bond with joe.
it is a good reminder. it keeps some of the pain at bay. ]
[ Booker finds that he hates it too, but he's more selfish than Nicky. Always had been. It hits like a gut-punch to say the words aloud, and to think of the consequences. Harder still to accept that it might be her time.
Andy had been there for all of his life after his first death; he can't even imagine an existence without her in it. ]
To prolong her life? Or keep her in a type of time stasis?
Nicky — whatever I have done to you and the others, I haven't done yet. [ He thinks to say, 'Please don't leave me alone' but instead, he pauses.
And then: ] But if you would rather not see me, I understand that too.
[ It hurts something hollow within him to say those words, thinking of their more-than-a-year apart and how much he'd been wanting to see the family again.
But perhaps he is a danger to them. In any case, apparently he will be. What did Copley have to offer him? Why would he take that deal? ]
[ nicky takes a breath, shallow, and then another one, more deliberate, slower. ]
No, you have not done it yet. But it has happened for us and —we will need time. Joe and I.
[ he doesn't doubt that there is forgiveness to be found. joe has the biggest heart of anyone nicky knows, joe has found it in him to forgive nicky, and nicky —nicky knows about doing terrible things that can be explained but not excused. there is forgiveness to be found, but not while it is so fresh for them, so recent. ]
I — [ It seems strange to apologize for something he hasn't even done, something he can't conceive of doing — and yet being afraid that there must be something that could convince him to do just that. (Because he has, hasn't he? In Nicky's present, he has.)
Booker isn't stupid. And he isn't impervious to giving in to his temptations; he is a man, after all, and not always a particularly strong-willed one either.
So he nods instead, takes a step back. ] Of course.
[ for a long moment, there is nothing, before nicky nods to himself and manages to acknowledge that for this booker, who has not yet betrayed them, that is a concession. a kindness toward them. ]
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[ nicky lets out a breath, slow, controlled. ]
Perhaps it is simply her time. And before you ask, it happened before Merrick did anything.
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On this he keeps his thoughts to himself, knowing that whatever he winds up doing in the near future, maybe even only a couple of months time, has shaken his family.
Torture, Nicky mentioned. Merde. No, Booker doesn't want to hear the details, doesn't think it would benefit either of them anyway if it'd already happened. He is too much of a coward to hear what he'd done, and it would force Nicky to talk about it, too, which seems cruel enough.
Better to speak of other things. ]
Andy's immortality here. Is it also gone?
[ When he'd seen her, she didn't give off the impression that anything was out of the ordinary, anything was different. But then ... maybe that had to do with him and what he'd done too. ]
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it is a good reminder. it keeps some of the pain at bay. ]
Perhaps the nanites make up for it. To a degree.
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Andy had been there for all of his life after his first death; he can't even imagine an existence without her in it. ]
To prolong her life? Or keep her in a type of time stasis?
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[ because nicky has no doubt that andy will continue being, well, andy. ]
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Did she have many of them? Injuries.
[ He doesn't remember seeing her hurt when they ran into each other. ]
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[ but - ]
It's Andy. [ what are the odds of her lying low and not getting herself hurt? ]
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Oui. It's Andy.
[ He breathes out now. ]
Nicky — whatever I have done to you and the others, I haven't done yet. [ He thinks to say, 'Please don't leave me alone' but instead, he pauses.
And then: ] But if you would rather not see me, I understand that too.
[ It hurts something hollow within him to say those words, thinking of their more-than-a-year apart and how much he'd been wanting to see the family again.
But perhaps he is a danger to them. In any case, apparently he will be. What did Copley have to offer him? Why would he take that deal? ]
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No, you have not done it yet. But it has happened for us and —we will need time. Joe and I.
[ he doesn't doubt that there is forgiveness to be found. joe has the biggest heart of anyone nicky knows, joe has found it in him to forgive nicky, and nicky —nicky knows about doing terrible things that can be explained but not excused. there is forgiveness to be found, but not while it is so fresh for them, so recent. ]
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Booker isn't stupid. And he isn't impervious to giving in to his temptations; he is a man, after all, and not always a particularly strong-willed one either.
So he nods instead, takes a step back. ] Of course.
You know where to find me if you need me.
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Thank you.